#10– Extreme Movie (2008)
A coming of age movie should be okay right? Wrong. This one is entirely about sex, and sex alone. In the same vein as American Pie concerning the embarrassments of teenage sex, Extreme Movie goes the extra nine yards and just throws a funny storyline out of the window and just has it about trials and tribulations of teenage sex. I managed to avoid watching this with my parents, but after watching it (it was bloody awful) I decided to scour forums etc. to see what people thought and there was this nice little anecdote that someone had posted where at every single embarrassing moment, his mum would tell him if he ever had any questions about sex to just ask. That is one situation you’d want to avoid. Trust me.
#9 – Spring Breakers (2012)
Again, a really poorly written film though shockingly it got so much praise. Think of it as Girls Gone Wild meets Havoc. But what do a lot of film makers tend to head for to make up for bad acting (to be fair to James Franco, he did put in a relatively stellar performance), bad dialogue and a crap storyline? Girls in bikinis, and sex scenes. Foolproof right? Cue James Franco, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson taking part in a ménage a trois kind of situation. More than once.
# 8– Crank 2: High Voltage (2009)
Now this one might have slipped under the radar had I not watched it no more than 2 weeks ago with my dad. When we sat down and were choosing a film off of the Internet to check out, we came across Crank 2. Now this film had Jason Statham, seemed action packed and adrenaline filled. So what could possibly go wrong? I’ll tell you what can go wrong… Amy Smart can go wrong. When the main character Chev (Jason Statham) goes into a strip club to get his “kicks”, Amy Smart rocks out and performs a rather *ahem* ‘provocative’ strip tease. I know what you’re thinking; “How lame, I can deal with that!” BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Skip forward a scene and we find our characters at a horse racetrack and Chev’s heart starts to stop. This then leads to Amy raunchily grinding on Statham to give him an adrenaline rush, which escalates to a pseudo-pornographic sex scene and ends with Amy Smart reaching her climax on the track itself whilst staring at a huge horse’s penis. Yep, that just happened.
#7 – American Pie (1999)
It would be foolish to think that not one member of the American Pie franchise wouldn’t make this list. There are just too many moments that are “Oh God why?” I have had the personal pain of sitting through most of them with my parents and I can safely tell you, it was awful. Admittedly (most of) the films are absolutely hilarious and the antics of Jim and the gang guarantee a laugh, but of course, they aren’t the only ones that make this film wholly inappropriate to watch with ol’ ma and pa. You get scenes (from the girls and Stifler especially) which could be crushingly uncomfortable, highlights include; Alyson Hannigan’s Michelle revealing where (“This one time at Band camp”) she had put a flute and Shannon Elizabeth ‘pleasuring’ herself in Jim’s room, Stifler drinking beer filled with semen ad the classic pie scene… All in all though, if you avoid those scenes and the rest of this smut filled movie series on family movie night, you’re in the safe and clear
#6 – Teeth (2007)
I’ve written a review of this one earlier on. Wow. This is just a strange film in general. So basically it’s about a girl who was going to take a celibacy vow, who also has teeth in her vagina. I think that’s enough said for you to steer clear of this one. It’s a bizarre concept for a film based on folk stories concerning “vagina dentata” where some girls developed teeth in their vaginas to warn away sexual predators, which for some reason in this movie every single man in the whole entire town is. The protagonist gets raped at the start of the film, before the guy realizes he has been castrated by his prey (he wholeheartedly deserved it as well, the creep). Then her gynecologist also becomes inappropriate with her and loses a couple of fingers… but hey, if you have a relatively strong stomach check it out for yourself, just not with ma and pa.
#5– American Psycho (2000)
My experience between this film and my parents was an indirect one. I had bought it on DVD and before I had even watched it my mum and dad decided to have a nice lazy Sunday afternoon with a movie and some wine. One and a half hours later, mum’s taken the DVD and throws it away and I’m banned from watching it. When I eventually did get around to buying the DVD again and watching it, for the first 10-15 minutes I was thinking, “hmmm, mega over reaction from mama there” cue Patrick Batemans attempt to uproot and recreate the infamous “One Night In Paris” tape. That’s right. The main character in this film is so arrogant, he decides he wants to make a sex tape with 2 prostitutes whilst flexing and looking at himself in the mirror. Fantastic stuff. Just glad I wasn’t there to see it in its full glory with the folks. He also decides to go down on one of the girls and manages to kill her, leading to the other one running away and discovering mounds of other dead bodies. He drops a chainsaw on her from the top of a stairwell as she tries to escape(see my “Top 10 movie kills” article).
#4 – Splice (2009)
This one is about a couple of genetic scientists (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) who are secretly splicing animal genes together to make a human hybrid in an attempt a a massive scientific breakthrough. They create something and allow it to be “born”. This is when one of the scientists, Elsa (Sarah Polley) develops mother like tendencies towards the creature and calls it “Dren”. It then moves in with the two scientists at their barn. The whole film is a bit hard to watch to be honest, but who could ever forget THAT scene. One evening, Adrien is seduced by Dren and has sex with her. Dren then dies and is reincarnated as a winged, male version of herself (itself?) who then rapes Elsa and impregnates her. It’s just one you have to see to believe.
#3 – Ken Park (2002)
Harmony Korine’s second appearance on this list (this time as a writer rather than director) Ken Park is based on Larry Clark’s stories about adolescence and rebellion. The film is centered around four main characters; Shawn who is having sex with his girlfriend’s mum, Claude who is beaten and abused by his father (eventually this escalates to sexual abuse), Peaches who’s dad is super religious and abusive towards her, and the most messed up of all, Tate, who is a complete and utter sadistic savage. There are scenes of autoerotic asphyxiation, incestuous relationships and to wrap the whole film up, a threesome. So I think you can understand why you’d want to avoid this with your parents.
#2 – A Serbian Film (2010)
Described as a “Nasty piece of exploitation trash” by Mark Kemode and “pandering to mouth-breathing gorehounds who found Hostel a bit too soft”, it’s no surprise that A Serbian Film made this list. Quite honestly, I didn’t want to put it in here because I in no way endorse this movie, I think it is an absolutely twisted, shocking and quite frankly disgusting advocate for the art film genre (which can be extremely good at times), but if I did ignore it in it’s entirety then I would be lying to you. I’m not going to go into any detail of what happens but I’ll just say, there are scenes of child rape, necrophilia and something coined in the movie as “newborn porn”. Just thinking about it is disgusting. Don’t watch this movie with your parents, hell don’t even watch it by yourself. I’m being deadly serious. It can only be described as inches away from a snuff film.
#1 – Antichrist (2009)
This whole entire film is an absolute mindf*ck from the word “Prologue”, where we see a baby tumbling out of a window whilst an unnamed couple are having some completely uncensored sex. The movie itself is about a couple who, after their childs tragic death, retreat to a cabin in some woods for some closure. This is where the husband (aptly named “He”) finds out the wife (“She”) is quite insane. You see everything. This one had many many possible scenes that one wouldn’t want to see with their parents, but I’m going to focus on two particular parts. The first is a scene in Chapter 3: Gynocide. He (Willem Dafoe) is attacked by his wife (Charlotte Gainsbourg) who accuses him of wanting to leave her. She then begins to mount him before crushing his testicles with a block of wood and then giving him a “not-so happy ending” which ends in a lot of blood. Disgusting. The next is a scene in Chapter 4, where She is masturbating and gets a pair of scissors and cuts off her clitoris. There is no censorship in the whole film, with “porno doubles” being used for the more graphic parts. Full of sadism, violence, gynocidal tendencies and violent sexual activities, there was no other film reaching the top of this list. It’s just director Lars Von Trier in a nutshell, controversial, opinion splitting and completely original. Admittedly some of the shots were quite beautiful (it did win quite a few awards for cinematography) but many were very disturbing. If you do decide to watch this, don’t say I didn’t warn you (and yes I did watch this with my dad by accident, a horrible experience if you want to know).